Building Rapport
What is Rapport?
Meredith Ransley (co-founder of Quantum Savvy)
Have you ever been in a relationship with perhaps a spouse, family member, friend or workmate, where you felt that no matter what you did or said, or how good your intentions were, the other person just took everything the wrong way? A relationship where you felt that you had to be careful what you said and how you went about them. What about the opposite then? Have you been in a relationship where you and the other person just clicked, that you understood each other and were ‘on the same wave-length’ so to speak?
Which relationship would you prefer, would you be happiest in and more likely to work at if it experienced difficulties? It’s a pretty simple question to answer isn’t it, however when it comes to horses, a great many horse / human relationships fall into the first category. A relationship that has little or no rapport.
So what is rapport? More and more these days, horse owners are beginning to understand the need to communicate with their horses. Communication is great, however it doesn’t go nearly far enough. I’m sure we can all think of a time when we were communicating with someone but it wasn’t very pleasant! Rapport is two individuals who see eye to eye, who have trust in each other and who are both willing partners in the relationship. The ultimate connection if you like.
As horse owners so often we get all caught up in the ownership of the horse; we buy the horse thinking that that makes him ‘ours’, we take really good care of him... feeding him, brushing him, perhaps rugging him and providing him with shelter etc and then when it comes to handling and riding him, we subconsciously expect him to just do as we wish and be nice to us because we have been nice to him. Unfortunately it doesn’t always work that way. We might be providing him with what ‘we’ think he needs, however, how many of us truly take the time to consider what ‘he’ really needs.
If we want to catch him, we just go get him without pausing to see how he feels about it. Then we are baffled to find out that maybe he doesn’t want to be caught. We want to ride, so we just saddle him up and get on; again for many people, without even considering how he feels about it. We want him to jump the jump, cross the ditch, leave his friends behind and we are surprised and a little annoyed when he shows some resistance to doing as we ask. After all, we bought him that nice new rug to keep him warm and got the really juicy crunchy carrots he likes. He should do what we want!
As much as horses like juicy carrots, they really do not care too much about whether they get them or not if they do not have a few basic needs of their own filled first. For horses, their number one priority is to feel safe. Being a prey animal this is an absolute must. Until they feel safe with and around you, nothing else matters, no matter how ‘nice’ you think you’ve been to them, this will count for nothing if he feels insecure. If you take the time to build the kind of relationship he really needs, gain rapport with your horse, he will relax with you, give you the benefit of the doubt and trust you... even if he feels like you are asking a lot of him, he’ll still try for you. We’ve all experienced the huge amount of heart and desire horses can have for a human - imagine if you had that kind of relationship with your horse ALL the time!
If you do not have rapport in your relationship, chances are that you will find some resistances in your horse. He may be hard to catch, or lead, or to pick up his feet. He’ll be more prone to kick out if you are around his back end, or not want to go onto the horse float. If your horse truly saw you as his great leader and friend, would he ever try to bite you or buck you off. On the contrary, when riding, if he feels you get a little unstuck, he’s more likely to duck back underneath you to keep you on. Can you imagine what it would be like to have that kind of relationship with your horse; one where he was an equal and willing partner in it and really enjoyed his time with you. Where he tried to help you out rather than help you off!
Take the time to build rapport with your horse, in all things ask him first how he feels about it. It will pay off enormously if you do.
Why do we need rapport?
Being a ‘flight response’ prey animal - that is one who relies on being able to outrun his natural enemies for survival - under pressure a horse will choose fight or flight; to stand and defend himself or to run away. Safety is always the number one priority of the horse. Whether they get injured or not in the process is irrelevant, the important thing is to escape. Once he knows he is safe, his next priority is comfort. A horse will go out of his way to find the path of least resistance, to find comfort. Even if he feels pressure, his instincts tell him to push through it (either fight or flight) in order to find release (comfort). His third priority after safety and comfort is to play. Only when he has the first two things, safety and comfort, will he seek the third… play.
So how does rapport fit into this? Mostly it’s the horse’s first priority we are dealing with here. If you look at float loading as an example you’ll see evidence of this. Horses are creatures of patterns, they learn where comfort is and they will seek it. They only need to find it once and for the briefest of moments for a pattern or habit to form. If I ask my horse to go onto the float and I do not have rapport, chances are he will feel unsafe. Going into a horse float can be a very scary thing for a horse…….prey animals do not often willingly go into small dark caves that may house predators! If he feels unsafe and doesn’t trust me he will not be concerned with comfort, only safety, so he will probably choose either the flight or fight mode in an attempt to find safety… and he will not care too much what he has to do, or who he has to take out to get there. Your bag of carrots mean very little to him right now.
If, however, you do have a relationship built on rapport, if he does trust you, chances are he will seek comfort even if he feels a little uncertain about the situation. Even if the small dark cave looks a little scary, if you let him know that comfort can be found inside it, chances are he will try for you and go seeking it. In that moment, just when he is trying for you, your response is crucial. If you are patient, let him know that his needs are more important than what you want, there is a good chance you’ll get what you want anyway. That he will try to go on the float. If, however, you get impatient, think that your wants outweigh his needs and you start trying to make him go on, that thin thread of rapport will be broken….he’ll stop trying for you and start trying to survive again. The choice is yours.
Although creating and building rapport means considering your horse's point of view, it does not mean being a wuss either. What it does mean is trying to understand how your horse feels about things, how he perceives it. It means becoming an excellent reader of horses, being able to understand them and becoming a great leader for them. If he is feeling a little scared or confused, he doesn’t need you to molly-coddle him. Doing so is just as bad for him as being a bully. He needs you to step up and take charge, be fair, be reasonable and be confident, to stay focused and keep about your business. So often when a horse get scared, the human response is to reassure him and sooth him. Have you ever seen the little child who falls over and scrapes his knee? His response will often reflect that of the adults around him….if he gets soothed and cuddled, he learns to be cry and be fearful. If instead he finds a ‘get up and get on with it’ attitude, he’ll do just that.
We’ve looked at float-loading as an example, however the same is true of pretty much any situation with a horse. Whether it be catching, trimming hooves, executing one-time flying lead changes or having a clear round of jumps, the principle is just the same. Yes, by all means you want to get done what you want done, however just take the time to consider things from your horse’s point of view. Set him up to where he chooses to seek comfort and try for you, not to where he feels the need to survive and is fearful. As horse lovers, I’m sure we all agree that our horse’s happiness and mental well-being are important factors in our relationship, let alone our success.
How do we establish rapport with our horses?
We’ve talked about what rapport is and the importance of having it, but how do we get it with our horses? Rapport can be hard to get and easy to lose however the first step to achieving it is simply to be aware. As in any relationship, taking the time to consider the other party and how they see / feel about things is the place to start.
To achieve success with horses, you are going to have to be a great leader for your horse. This means that in your partnership, you will be doing most of the asking, so how you ask and how you show appreciation are paramount. With any horse, its important to be able to ask things of them without them feeling as though they have lost something. In other words, have them willingly doing as you ask and feeling good about it.
A while back I had Dirk the Friesian stallion here at QSSC for 12 months with the purpose of taking him through the Foundation Programme. As you may imagine, creating and building rapport is particularly important when playing with a stallion. Things that you may get away with working with any other horse should not be taken for granted with these guys. Stallions are unbridled instinct and are more likely to play for keeps.
My first objective with Dirk, before I began any type of ‘training’ or establishing myself as alpha, was to build rapport with him. You have to know where to draw the line with a stallion... too little and you’ll be seen as being weak, too much and you become a threat. The balance is in being able to ask enough of them to get a yield and establish that you are the leader, and making sure you show appreciation when you are done by offering comfort and release and not ‘taking’ any more than you need. If you just get bossy and push a stallion around, they’ll see you as dominant and aggressive. If you are lacking assertiveness, they’ll see it as weakness and take advantage of you. Either way, you can quickly create a pushy, dominant, aggressive horse who feels the need to reassert himself. This is the supreme leader here. If you can go about them in such a way that you get your yields without your horse losing any stature or losing face, showing that you mean no dominance over the horse, pretty soon they’ll be quite happily doing all that you ask.
So I began building my rapport bank account. Little deposits that I gradually built up over time, ready for the day when I would have to ask more and more of him as we progressed through the levels. A little no yield, a little yield and lots of release and comfort at the end. Not too much yield at first so as not to make him feel that he was being bossed around. Before long (just a week or two) he was happily yielding in all directions on the ground and ridden too, saddle or bareback. Within a few months he was pretty much going wherever I asked, in the float on a 22’ rope, over 2’ 6" jumps, galloping, lead changes, trail riding with other horses (yep… mares too!) and allowing me to climb all over him, touch him anywhere and even stand on his back. All the while perfectly happy and still the confident stallion he was before. Horses are easy to train and can be taught to do all these things, however the end result is usually a submissive horse that has lost a lot of its spark and exuberance. Not so for Dirk….he was still just as cocky and proud as ever. We now had such terrific rapport that if the occasion should arrive when I really had to step up and tell him ‘NO’ in no uncertain terms, such as when there were mares around with less experienced handlers, he would still listen to me and do as I asked without any hard feelings whatsoever.
Rapport is easy to build if you are aware of the importance of nurturing your relationship. Ask your horse’s permission before you do any tasks, look at each situation from their point of view and show them your appreciation when they try for you. Comfort and release are your 2 best friends here.
Above all things, rapport comes first, number one… always. When working with your horse, don’t push it to the point where you ask too much. If you loose rapport, you’ve lost your horse. If you are honest and fair and always check in with how he feels, you will be able to ask more and more of him and he’ll happily comply and keep trying for you. Success is guaranteed if you can win your horse’s heart and desire.
<<back to index of NAG articles